"TICKETS PLEASE"
Three Aussies and three Lebs are traveling by train to watch a Footy match.
At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Lebs buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket ?" asks one of the Aussies.
"Watch and learn bro" answers one of the Lebs.
They all board the train, and the Aussies take their seats,
but all three Lebs cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed the station, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets please."
The door opens just slightly and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money for more beer.
When they get to the station for the return trip, the Lebs again buy a single ticket.
However, to their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all !
"How are you going to travel without a ticket ?" says one of the confused Lebs.
"Watch and learn bro" answers an Aussie .....
As soon as they all board the train the three Aussies quickly cram into one toilet.
The three Lebs notice the Aussies and also cram into another toilet nearby.
The train departs the station.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks quietly over to the toilet where the Lebs are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please".
***** ALERT - Nominations for your new ClubCJ Committee can be made here *****
"JOKES THREAD"
Moderators: Moderators, Senior Moderators
"JOKES THREAD"
Last edited by SAM-24A on Sun Feb 07, 2016 3:29 pm, edited 6 times in total.
Sam ..... 
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
An American tourist in London wanders around, seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at some small pub to have a pint of beer. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with stately residences. No pubs, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms. However, he really has to pee, after all those pints of beer. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
He is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to pee, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Just follow me" says the Bobby. Then he leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, big fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of flowers.
He relieves himself immediately. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was really nice of you. Is that what you call English hospitality? "
"No sir...” replied the Bobby, "that is what we call the American Embassy."
He is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to pee, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Just follow me" says the Bobby. Then he leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, big fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of flowers.
He relieves himself immediately. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was really nice of you. Is that what you call English hospitality? "
"No sir...” replied the Bobby, "that is what we call the American Embassy."
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman joined their Club.
She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed. They couldn't figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
A new woman joined their Club.
She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed. They couldn't figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
SUICIDE BOMBERS IN THE UK - GO ON STRIKE
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, (from 72 to only 60) and applicable from this February,
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, (BOOM) British Organization of Occupational Martyrs responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,
"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.
We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides,
Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathise with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.
I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up anymore."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland and the entire American & Australian continents stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins left in their areas anyway."
Intelligence Sources closely affiliated with "BOOM" have stated that the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
submitted by SAM-24A
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, (from 72 to only 60) and applicable from this February,
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, (BOOM) British Organization of Occupational Martyrs responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,
"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.
We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides,
Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathise with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.
I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up anymore."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland and the entire American & Australian continents stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins left in their areas anyway."
Intelligence Sources closely affiliated with "BOOM" have stated that the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
submitted by SAM-24A
LIFE IN THE AUSTRALIAN ARMY
NEW ARMY RECRUIT ... LETTER to MUM and DAD
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland, Australia.
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the station – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean – nothin’!!
Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes.
You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo’s arse and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of piss!!
You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Susan
NEW ARMY RECRUIT ... LETTER to MUM and DAD
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland, Australia.
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the station – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean – nothin’!!
Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes.
You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo’s arse and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of piss!!
You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Susan
Sam .....
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
"Copper Phone Wire"
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Australia's Northern Territory News, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Lucky Bunji, a self-taught indigenous archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all.
Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone "Wireless".
Just makes you feel bloody proud to be Australian !!!!!
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Australia's Northern Territory News, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Lucky Bunji, a self-taught indigenous archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all.
Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone "Wireless".
Just makes you feel bloody proud to be Australian !!!!!
Last edited by SAM-24A on Sun Feb 07, 2016 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Sam .....
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
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