"Never Mind the Story"
A fella from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop at the Rocks.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the counter and said to the shop owner: 'How much is this bronze rat ?'
The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."
The fella gave the owner his $12 and said:
"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story !"
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and rubbish bins and were following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and began running on towards Sydney Harbour.
As he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats had now swarmed into their thousands, and were chasing faster and faster.
Very concerned and wanting to rid himself of this situation, he quickly approached a pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the harbour as he could.
Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the water after it .... and were all drowned.
The fella, shocked with amazement quickly walked back to tell the shop owner of his ordeal, The shop owner said, "Ah, so you've come back for the story then?"
"Shit no!" said the fella,
"I’m came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, an Asian, a Wog, anything Aboriginal or even an Indian Spin Bowler.
Ah "Multiculturalism". Where would this Great Country be without it.
BTW, I'm of Italian Heritage, so that makes me a Wog, so laugh along with me.
Sam.
***** ALERT - Nominations for your new ClubCJ Committee can be made here *****
WIN A GERBIL CONTEST
Moderators: Moderators, Senior Moderators
Thanks Lukas, I'm glad you can see the funny side of the jokes and have a laugh.
Besides I'm trying to win this Gerbil Contest, just wish I knew what first prize was.
Knowing Sleeper, it's probably sinister and not worth much anyway.
"Oh Well" at least we've had a good laugh.
Sam.
Besides I'm trying to win this Gerbil Contest, just wish I knew what first prize was.
Knowing Sleeper, it's probably sinister and not worth much anyway.
"Oh Well" at least we've had a good laugh.
Sam.
Sam ..... 
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
"MATES"
THE PROFOUND THINGS MEN THINK ABOUT WHEN LEFT ALONE
Two men are out fishing at their favourite fishing spot,
No one else around, just them quietly fishing and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish away, Wayne whispers,
I think I’m going to divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me for almost two weeks !
Mark hears Wayne but quietly continues sipping his beer,
Wayne turns quietly toward Mark expecting a response,
Just then Mark thoughtfully says,
You better think it over Wayne !
Women like that are almost impossible to find.
THE PROFOUND THINGS MEN THINK ABOUT WHEN LEFT ALONE
Two men are out fishing at their favourite fishing spot,
No one else around, just them quietly fishing and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish away, Wayne whispers,
I think I’m going to divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me for almost two weeks !
Mark hears Wayne but quietly continues sipping his beer,
Wayne turns quietly toward Mark expecting a response,
Just then Mark thoughtfully says,
You better think it over Wayne !
Women like that are almost impossible to find.
Sam .....
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
Not in the same class as Sams Jokes but still
A rich business executive sees an ad in the Financial Review for the world's fastest and most expensive car. It's called the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy and it costs over $1 million.
He decides he must have it and three months later he takes delivery. Eager
to play with his new toy, the executive takes it out for a spin.
At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa motor scooter. Without invitation, the old man sticks his head through the open window and croaks, "Quite a ride you got there sonny - how fast will she go?"
"About 270 km," answers the executive. "No way," says the old man.
Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.
But suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear vision mirror that seems to be getting closer and closer. Thinking it's a cop the executive comes to a stop.
Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.
"What the heck was that?" wonders the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"
Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by in the opposite direction. This time the executive gets a better
look and would almost swear that it looked like the old man on the Vespa motor scooter.
"That just couldn't be," he thinks to himself.
Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes slap
bang into the back of the Fantasy.
The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the
Vespa that's crashed into him.
"Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," replied the old man, "could ya unhook my trouser suspenders from your
external mirror, please."
A rich business executive sees an ad in the Financial Review for the world's fastest and most expensive car. It's called the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy and it costs over $1 million.
He decides he must have it and three months later he takes delivery. Eager
to play with his new toy, the executive takes it out for a spin.
At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa motor scooter. Without invitation, the old man sticks his head through the open window and croaks, "Quite a ride you got there sonny - how fast will she go?"
"About 270 km," answers the executive. "No way," says the old man.
Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.
But suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear vision mirror that seems to be getting closer and closer. Thinking it's a cop the executive comes to a stop.
Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.
"What the heck was that?" wonders the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"
Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by in the opposite direction. This time the executive gets a better
look and would almost swear that it looked like the old man on the Vespa motor scooter.
"That just couldn't be," he thinks to himself.
Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes slap
bang into the back of the Fantasy.
The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the
Vespa that's crashed into him.
"Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," replied the old man, "could ya unhook my trouser suspenders from your
external mirror, please."
" VIAGRA"
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA (Food & Drug Administration) has been searching for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixaslopin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Drug Corp. also announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, which will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a "stiff one".
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will appropriately market this new concoction by the name of, "MOUNT & DO".
In terms of Medical Research,
There is more money being spent on Breast Implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them,
or worse, what they have already done with them.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA (Food & Drug Administration) has been searching for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixaslopin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Drug Corp. also announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, which will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a "stiff one".
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will appropriately market this new concoction by the name of, "MOUNT & DO".
In terms of Medical Research,
There is more money being spent on Breast Implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them,
or worse, what they have already done with them.
Sam .....
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
Hey Mr Sleeper, you said : 
Well Times-Up and I'm a Waiting.
Let the Polling Begin, and no Sneaky Business you "Flea Bitten Varmin" !!!
I've heard all about you "QueensLanders" when confronted by a New South Welshman
I'm primed, pumped and ready !!
PS: This was my last joke.
Sam.
what we need is 1 joke only from interested members and after 2 weeks, all will be submitted to the committee for a short list of 5.
the 5 will then be put to poll for members votes.
Well Times-Up and I'm a Waiting.
Let the Polling Begin, and no Sneaky Business you "Flea Bitten Varmin" !!!
I've heard all about you "QueensLanders" when confronted by a New South Welshman
I'm primed, pumped and ready !!
PS: This was my last joke.
Sam.
Last edited by SAM-24A on Thu Jan 27, 2011 8:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
Sam .....
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
WTF a hand shake, I ain't letting 8 faceless men give me the secret shake inside a inner circle.
There's a law against that: Pedofeely-something !!
I want my Big Mac from MiztaB in the presence of the past Gerbill winners.
That Cheap Scape MiztaB even deleted his "Big Mac Prize" post cause he couldn't deliver.
Sam.
PS: Which joke won it for me Steve ????
There's a law against that: Pedofeely-something !!
I want my Big Mac from MiztaB in the presence of the past Gerbill winners.
That Cheap Scape MiztaB even deleted his "Big Mac Prize" post cause he couldn't deliver.
Sam.
PS: Which joke won it for me Steve ????
Sam .....
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
Merlinised MIVEC - AspiRe 2.4L
THE WINNING ENTRY WAS:
................................................................
SUICIDE BOMBERS IN THE UK - GO ON STRIKE
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, (from 72 to only 60) and applicable from this February,
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, (BOOM) British Organization of Occupational Martyrs responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,
"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.
We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides,
Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathise with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.
I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up anymore."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland and the entire American & Australian continents stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins left in their areas anyway."
Intelligence Sources closely affiliated with "BOOM" have stated that the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
................................................................
SUICIDE BOMBERS IN THE UK - GO ON STRIKE
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, (from 72 to only 60) and applicable from this February,
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, (BOOM) British Organization of Occupational Martyrs responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,
"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.
We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides,
Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathise with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.
I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up anymore."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland and the entire American & Australian continents stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins left in their areas anyway."
Intelligence Sources closely affiliated with "BOOM" have stated that the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
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